Why Employee Opinion Surveys are Useless?

Employee opinion surveys are touted by HR as an important event on their annual calendar.

The whole premise is that such surveys help understand the current levels of employee engagement and help the management "correct" it through HR intervention.

There is a fundamental issue with the above premise - the typical remedial approach of HR and management to "correct" things does not work.

The basic assumption is this: employees will tell the unvarnished truth in such anonymous employee opinion surveys. But will they?

The irony is that such surveys have "funny" questions like the below:

• "The company has an open and transparent culture"
• "It is usually safe to speak up in the company"
• "The management of the company is genuinely willing to listen"

Very ironical. Think about it.

If the above three were true, then the survey is not really required in the first place. Employees would have already shared what they had to!

But if the above three were not true, the responses to the above questions will not matter.

If the responses are all nice and good, the management and HR will pat their back on their own.

It's awkward and hard to pat your own back but in many organizations the management and HR folks become very good at it by repeating it many times, of course for silly reasons.

However, if the responses are not all nice and good, the management and HR will justify and rationalize why that is just normal. 

Employees need to grown up!

Other aspect is related to design of such surveys especially in small-time organizations where at times the number of questions is more than the number of employees!

First, there may be too many questions.

And most of them are very vague - do you think your manager keeps you informed? do you get the resources to perform your job?.

It is ridiculous to assume that any sound-minded professional will not share the above concerns with his or her manager when the situation so warrants but wait for the silly circus of opinion surveys by the HR jokers to share them.

And if employees do indeed wait for the silly survey, then something is fundamentally and majorly wrong with the organization at the most basic level.

Open culture? Transparent culture? Very funny.

Second, the options one has to choose are typically a variant of strongly agree, agree, no opinion or neutral, disagree, strongly disagree.

What does "no opinion" mean. Ideally this should be a 10-pointer (with 1 being least happy with that aspect and 10 being most happy about it).

So if the question is "The company has an open and transparent culture" what does "no opinion" mean?

The culture might be sucking and sickening which would mean 1 or amazing and inspirational which would mean 10. Or based on the employee's perception somewhere in between.

It can and should never be "no opinion".

So even if one employee states "no opinion" that is just one more reason that would make the entire survey completely useless.

Third, such surveys are generally kept anonymous.

Now that means an employee would share certain things in the survey that he can't share otherwise in any other forum.

This is a complete antithetical statement.

If the organization has an open and transparent culture, then employees should have shared their concerns and grievances already.

So no need for any stupid survey.

Such exercises shouldn't be seen as another tick-the-box by the HR folks which it has unfortunately become in the current corporate construct.

Fourth, these surveys are run by the management and its close-knit coterie for the lesser mortals.

So obviously, they are not required to participate in such surveys.

This shows the sick culture prevalent in such organizations where there is clear demarcation of "Us" versus "Them".

Again, this goes against the very notion of an open and transparent culture. 

This ganging up means should an employee decide to be honest in such surveys and provides the real/raw feedback about the style of management (or rather the lack of it) of the top folks including the close-knit coterie, they will refute it collectively.

The "Us" would simply conclude that the "Them" need to grow up.

Such feedback will be disowned, disparaged and conveniently thrown to the trash bin.

Above tendency is generally highly prevalent in the small-time, Lala-driven and and coterie-infested companies.

These are the so-called "Desi" and the "Pseudo-MNC" companies.

However and very unfortunately, such surveys will continue to happen as a ritualistic exercise by the HR every year.

That would be the case since such surveys tend to serve the "real" but ultimately useless agenda of the management and its close-knit coterie very well. 

Such surveys become yet another management tool (or manipulation tool, if you like) in the hands of the "Us" while dealing with the "Them".

The top dog would say, "Look, we have an open and transparent culture, that's why our HR does this thing, this annual employee opinion survey, as we genuinely want to know what they think".

It is quite amusing to note that the top dog conveniently forgets what stops employees from sharing their concerns otherwise. Why a survey?

As the top dog is saying the above, you can well imagine the manipulative HR head, sitting next to the top man with a Cheshire cat smile, glancing cunningly at the close-knit coterie present in the company's board-room, all nodding their heads with a stupid look on their faces!

It is quite clear that opinion surveys are a mere hogwash and completely useless.

It is useless because the "Us" - the indispensable management and its close-knit coterie all fully understand what is really going on (how much they genuinely care is anybody's guess).

It is useless because the "Them" - the dispensable employees also fully understand the drama being performed in the name of opinion survey where survey counts (for the HR, to tick the box) but not the opinions!

And it might very well happen that the person who was "highly engaged" as per the opinion survey responses drops his resignation letter the very next day.

When the Head of Operations is Incompetent and Doesn't Take Ownership

In some organizations the head of operations doesn't do justice to his role.

He is there simply because he is a close confidante and a mindless, blind loyalist of the top dog.

They most certainly would have worked with each other in the past and being a "yes sir" man the top dog loves his operations head.

After all, which dog is not fond of its puppy?

And since he is a trusted lieutenant and close confidante of the top dog and in full know of his dirty secrets he doesn't need to have competence and take ownership of the tasks assigned to him.

Competence and ownership were never the reasons why he was put in the position of the head of operations in the first place. He never deserved to be one.

That way, this person is an epitome of stupidity and low intelligence.

He doesn't know the stuff but has a strong position by virtue of his blind loyalty to the top dog. He would shout, sit and shake as dictated by the top dog.

Basically, he has no mind of his own.

Such a head of operations can survive only in an organization where he is a part of the coterie of the top dog.

He and others in the coterie are there since they lick the feet and the back of the top dog.

As a consequence, such a person can cause tremendous damage to the level of professionalism in the company as also the level of accomplishments by the company.

Any company like the above is doomed for closure, if not today then tomorrow.

Presence of a top dog who likes to surround himself with "yes sir" puppies with a head of operations who is incompetent and doesn't take ownership (like the other puppies in the coterie) can have only one fate eventually.

Shut down.

So if you are in such a company, you must realize you are in grave danger.

Protect yourself by moving on before the dooms-day.

The Naked Dance of Increments and Promotions

In many organizations, especially small-sized and stooge-infested ones, there is this naked dance of increments and promotions that is repeated every year.

The naked dance is carried out like a tribal ritual in a total unprofessional and even obscene manner by all concerned - the pack of joker-like executive management, the top dog and his pet coterie and the lesser mortals.

The lesser mortals erupt in elation and joy or anguish and sadness when they get the letter, depending on what the letter of increment contains.

The naked dance follows soon thereafter!

The lesser mortals are distributed the letters in a company-wide meeting where the top dog calls out the names of the lesser mortals and hands them the letters.

The CEO is such companies is nothing short of a Joker-like Lunatic (JL) who along with his Nasty Stooge (NS) decides who gets what.

And this meeting is as funny as one can image it could be!

Or, in some other crap organizations the lesser mortals are sent emails with the letters (in electronic format with password) copied to one of the coterie of the top dog.

Department heads and managers in both such organizations are basically made to look like fools.

There is no meeting, no discussion with the department head. In fact, they are not even informed about what transpires in the secret, dirty meetings of the top dog and his pet pups.

The emails that go to the lesser mortals is based on the discussion of the MD in such companies who are basically viciously stupid (VS) and carry out their con jobs using the person taking care of such matters who is a rat-like scoundrel (RS).

The mails are not copied to the department heads and managers but to the stooges who form the coterie of the top dog.

Those in the coterie come in many forms. There are those who are experts in toxic silence (TS), or like a maverick kid (MK) or a piddly pest (PP).

The above characters in these organizations make the performance appraisal process which should ideally be handled in an immaculately professionally-run manner culminate in the naked dance of increments and promotions.

So do you see naked dance of increments and promotions in your organization?

If no, lucky you.

If yes, you are in a bad company. Period.

And if you know what situation you are in, and you are a real professional and not a stooge who is a part of the coterie you should remain that way.

Don't get up and do the naked dance.

Remain professional.

Don't even join when others are doing the naked dance.

Lala Company, Top Dog, Cronyism, Mediocrity and Stooges

Question: What is the common thread across these - Lala Company, Top Dog, Cronyism, Mediocrity and Stooges?

Answer: These are tell-tale signs that if the company you are currently working has any one of the above attributes, it will really have all.

In any case, if you are smart, you will figure this out on your own!

So what are the points you need to keep in mind while working in such a company?

• If you are not one of the stooges of the top dog in such a company, you better be on the lookout to move on sooner than latter.
• The top dog and his stooges have special privileges like "unofficially declared" reserved parking slots (despite the top dog claiming to be otherwise), being served some of the menu items in a plate on the lunch table itself, secret meetings that only the cronies attend.
• The performance appraisal process is run by the top dog and his cronies. Other senior professionals are made to look like fools in the entire process.
• The top dog would blatantly ask you to involve and keep in loop his stooge for that area. Yes, he will appoint stooges to oversee areas where professionals are working and not his cronies.
• The top dog is expert in creating a beautiful facade of professionalism and progressive thinking but scratch the surface and what you see beneath is a dirt-laden, toxic lala company with stooges in key positions, and a company full of cronyism and mediocrity.
• Such a company proudly announces that X% of employees are there with us for more than 10 years, Y% of employees are there with us for more than 5 years and similar nonsense. What it won't tell is that most of such employees are good for nothing, can't find another job and are basically living a retired corporate life in that company. And no wonder, this list will include the top dog, his stooges and his cronies.
• The HR in such a company is not trust-worthy. On any issue the stand of the HR head will be the stand of the top dog and this will be so since HR head will be a key stooge. In fact, the HR head has no stand, the top dog will ask him what exactly to do (including when to wag his tail, when to bark and when to bite).
• The top dog and his trusted stooges will go for lunch together and never mingle informally with other employees over then lunch table. However, in official parties they will come across as over-casual and totally ludicrous that at times may border on sheer non-sense.
• The top dog will promote his stooges and cronies based on loyalty. Mediocrity is the true name of the game. In such companies merit has no place and those who say "yes sir" more number of times get promoted!
• The stooges are not really that competent and are there in the good books of the top dog only due to blind loyalty. And they remain in the good books by being a nice puppy to the top dog and follow his orders to the hilt (including when to wag the tail, when to bark and when to bite).
• When someone resigns in such a company, the HR, the stooges and the top dog, secretly work like mad behind the scenes (the actual head of department is not kept in the loop - he can as well go get lost!), do some non-sense to retain the employee and then claim that they have done a fantastic job in employee retention. What they forget is that such a thing never happens in a professional company.
• The top dog maintains a facade of openness, transparency and professionalism on the surface that may mislead you completely at times about what is truly under and inside the facade. But if you provide him a different perspective and are not his "yer sir" stooge, he will discard his layer of artificial professionalism in no time and show his true, ugly side.
• The stooge appointed by the top dog in your area will remain silent most of the times not because he wants to but because he is simply incompetent. However, when the top dog has an axe to grind against you he will use the stooge as his henchman.
• The top dog and stooge will force you to take someone in the team who is as incompetent as them in that area. This person becomes their informer and can make life hell for you. For the top dog and the stooge this gives them secret power over you. Your position is always kept weak so that you always remain unsettled.

Well, there are certainly many more points one can talk about. The above provide a good glimpse into the aspects you should consider when working in such a company.

So if you observe any of the following in your current organization - Lala Company, Top Dog, Cronyism, Mediocrity and Stooges - you got to be alert and very careful.

When it comes to good, bad and ugly, you must remember that you should be prepared to come across most of ugly, lot of bad and little or no good when you work in such companies.

Of course, when they hire you the impression the top dog and the stooges will create is that most of it is good, a little is bad but no ugly.

Don't fall for the lie!

But in case you have already fallen for the lie - poor, wretched you.

You must get out, and that too very fast!

Laugh Out Loud - You are in a Bloody, Third Grade, Toxic Organization

Why laugh out loud?

Because if you are in a bloody, third grade, toxic organization, things cannot be any worse than what they are and hence can only get better here on.

So laugh out loud!

What happens in a bloody, third grade, toxic organization that makes it a bloody, third grade, toxic organization?

Well, many things and most of them bad.

Here are some such things that you will certainly come across.

• The company is managed by a close-knit coterie comprising of third-rate, unethical, unprofessional and toxic people
• The only factor that matters in such a company is loyalty to the chief of the toxic tribe and the prevalent toxic-laden tribal culture
• The coterie manages through back-channel discussions and back-door machinations and manipulations
• The HR in such companies is nothing more then a moronic stooge of the management. The only role of the head of HR in such companies is to work as a parrot of the top man
• The head of HR in such companies is an expert in toxicity and adept in managing things through manipulation and sickening, unprofessional relationship with the top management and the coterie
• Those in the coterie in such organizations behave as if they are the smartest folks on the planet. For them, everyone else is beneath them. Their toxicity and exclusivity is too evident to ignore.
• Those in the coterie are put in the key positions by the top man. The reason for this to happen has nothing to do with their competency but just one thing - blind loyalty like a dog to the master, the top man!
• If you are ethical and professional, you won't matter in such organizations. You will be like a golden fish in a  dirty pond. You will live but barely survive. Not to forget the bad smell you will have to live with due to the toxicity around you
• You will be forced to report into an ass-licking, incompetent, childish, toxic, comical ass-hole and will have a tough time
• You can't escalate the above issues to the top man as the top man himself will be like that. In addition, how can you expect the top man to listen anything about his pet puppies in the very coterie that he has fathered
• While you stay in such a company you will have a bad ride due to the toxicity created and propagated by those in the coterie
• Your views will not matter in the real sense. The coterie will finally have their way using back-channel discussions and back-door machinations and manipulations
• You will be as good as a nothing in such organizations. You will not have much say in the affairs of the company. And even if you are heading a department you will be by-passed and humiliated and made to look like a fool. The coterie will do everything and make use of  back-channel discussions and back-door machinations and manipulations to make you feel so

If you can survive such a company, hats off to you!

It means a very good thing about you - you are truly a positive person and totally professional.

And yes, you should laugh out loud.

There's nothing you can do other than move on fast.

And till that time, just laugh out loud!