The Ghadiyali Chomu Master and His Char Bandar-numa Chamchas

This is the story of the ghadiyali chomu master SV.

And his chomu harkatein.

And, also, of his char bandar-numa chamchas - KM, ST, PP, SR.

SV is short, stodgy and short-sighted.

His only achievement till date is that he has created and cultivated char bandar-numa chamchas.

And if you were to poke SV a little bit, he would howl and growl and say, "the char bandar-numa chamchas only matter to me, let others go to hell".

Despite the absurdity of the whole situation, the despicable chomu master SV continues with more of the same absurdities that make him even more despicable.

He is fond of or rather besieged of his own false image and hence indulges in showing off.

He would utter all the right keywords and do all the symbolic stuff to appear as a genuine and caring person.

However, on scratching the surface, the real object behind the false image comes out.

He is the opposite of all what one would consider as fair, transparent and genuine.

He talks of ethics and empowerment but does all kinds of absurd things like:

• Suggesting that you write falsehood in e-mails to customers and vendors
• Facts are misrepresented or blatantly modified in the name of negotiation
• Data and information are twisted maliciously to create fake impressions
• Dropping/parachuting a trainee into your team without discussing first with you.
• Competency and fitment aspect is bulldozed to the ground.
• The trainee has no background other than her connection with the chomu master.
• Indulging in initiatives only for symbolic reasons.
• Initiatives are started without wider consultation and stakeholder involvement
• The people with no real work are made to drive such initiatives to make them relevant
• Humiliating competent professionals through "chomu harkatein"
• You get emails like "copy my chamcha" or "as advised keep my chamcha in the loop"
• Activities in your area are assigned to a chamcha to disempower you

The companies that are managed by a chomu master also become chomu companies.

They are what one can call as a "chotu company" which will remain like that forever.

The reason is not hard to see.

The chomu master and his char bandar-numa chamchas want to retain complete control.

To hell with empowerment.

Chomu master is a con artist.

Employee empowerment is a good term to hear but means nothing in such organizations.

If you work in such a company, be ready to embrace absurdities.

You will be humiliated often.

Yes, that's right.

Humiliated and dis-empowered.

While you are going through all this non-sense, you must learn to enjoy all this from a distance too.

Keep laughing at the ghadiyali chomu master.

Keep laughing at the char bandar-numa chamchas.

Just keep laughing.

After all you are getting entertainment for free from the chomu master and his char bandar-numa chamchas.

Don't take them seriously at all.

Don't become serious yourself too.

Just keep laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing.

As Was Expected, The Top Dog Barked Yesterday

The top dog, S, the biggest CEO, oops... clown, in the best company C, oops... circus in the town, barked yesterday.

He did not like his boot-licking, pet she-puppy, K, getting troubled.

So he barked.

Loudly.

And then he called out one of the stooges, the greatest manager, oops.... clown, monkey P to come to the rescue mission of K.

The whole scene unfolded exactly as was expected.

In a Lala company what else can one expect?

The bait did work.

The experiment worked quite well.

The communication done purposefully to provoke the she-puppy and her master had the intended effect.

The she-puppy was furious.

And went on a rant, good afternoon sir, and then blah, blah, blah.

The she-puppy once again proved the same thing about herself - lack of transparency and fear of her lack of competency getting exposed.

For K the S thing is the start and end of the world.

She thinks she has found a way to attain niravana through S.

Her and her master's approach is completely bull-shit or, rather, dog-shit. 

The top dog grunted, please discuss with J as she is the owner and driver of S.

As if there is nothing else left to worry about than S in the world.

The top dog is in  pursuit of another symbolism, this time related to S.

He and his HR henchman and other stooges keep on doing one or other drama every second week.

Sometimes there is an idiotic campaign on trust, then on empowerment, then on fairness, and then on transparency, and then on something else.

This all is a merely a big facade to cover-up the dark reality.

Speaking of trust, the top dog, then went on further and growled, please keep P in the loop.

Trust? Empowerment?

What trust? And what empowerment?

The top dog publicly and deliberately and maliciously humiliates those who do not lick his boots like P, K and the other stooges do.

And who is this P?

What competency this P has to speak on E?

What value is he supposed to add?

No one, none and nothing.

He is there only because he is a stooge of the top dog.

And by the way, the top dog has reared a huge group of stooges - S, K, S, M, G, S, P, and so on and so forth.

That is the real achievement of S.

The top dog has a fetish for getting popular in the industry.

That is why he runs after every chance to appear in this conference and that conference.

He wants to be the best CEO ever.

He knows though he is nothing.

It is okay he is what he is.

But he should stop putting up the false facade of trust and transparency.

He also has this despicable habit of doing stupid things.

Like having two people stay in the same room while on an official outing.

Such a thing doesn't happen in a proper and professional company.

However, in a Lala company what else can one expect?

Another day, another silly thing.

This will go on.

And on.

The top dog will bark again.

Just wait.

And enjoy.

Why?

Since in a Lala company what else can one expect but some kind of non-stop non-sense.

So better enjoy!

How to Handle an Intimidating, Inflaming and Immature E-mail

Many a times you would receive an e-mail which is written in a "not so good taste".

The person who sent it might feel great when sending it.

But will realize how dumb he really was to even send such an e-mail in the first place.

And if he doesn't. then he is even dumber than just dumb!

By the way, such people might otherwise sound quite mature but if they do such things, it is obvious that they are carrying several chinks in their armour.

Such e-mails are intimidating.

They test your courage in keeping quiet and not responding to that e-mail likewise.

Such emails are inflaming.

They test your patience in controlling your emotions in face of strong provocation.

Such e-mails are immature.

They test your maturity in calibrating your approach to take care of the big picture.

Also, as you read such an email, the realisation that the person who sent it is immature and childish will give you the right perspective.

Mature people do not throw tantrums when they run out of arguments.

Mature people do not send e-mails written in a "not so good taste".

They discuss the differences with the other person.

And try to resolve differences through dialog and deliberations.

And do all that in a open-minded manner.

So the first and the only thing to do, is to write tersely, may be just a one-line, about setting-up a discussion on the issue at hand.

Do not try to resolve anything on the e-mail.

Focus on setting-up a discussion and resolving the differences in that.

Never, ever, write an e-mail in the kind.

Since if you do that, then you are perhaps a bigger idiot than the idiot who sent the first such email in the first place.

Stop the strong urge you might have to shoot back a stinging response e-mail adopting a nastier tone than the nasty tone in the e-mail you received.

Never do that.

It is a fact, that such an e-mail reflects everything about the person which sent it rather than anyone else including the recipient.

The person sending will have something going on in the background like:

• He is mentally quite weak and vulnerable otherwise and sending such e-mails gives him a sense of "false" victory (it is all fake though and quite ephemeral)
• He has other problems in life and uses such an e-mail to vent out his pent-up frustrations and feelings of despair (again it gives a false sense of comfort and for a short time)
• He feels threatened in terms of his power and position and is indirectly asking that he be given respect (genuine respect is earned through actions and not because of the position you hold)
• He has problem with managing his ego which might have got bloated up without him even realising it and such e-mails help pamper it (bigger ego than one's actual status will always lead to trouble, and ego pampering can make it even worse)

The moment you understand the underlying psychology behind such an email you will have mixed feelings.

You will feel pity for the person sending such an e-mail as that person might be requiring psychological interventions to correct the behavioural traits.

You will also feel elated at the fact that you did not over-react to an e-mail that was nothing but an over-action from someone who needs psychological help.

Of course, you should never suggest this to the sender.

You can have empathy and compassion, but maturity requires that you must stay quiet.

The biggest reason is, you must focus on getting what you want from the person sending such an e-mail.

And only on your problem.

If that person realizes his problem, then that is good.

If not, that is not your problem.

And it never was.

So, stay away from it altogether.

How Conferences, Conventions or Conclaves Get Organized in Reality?

Organizing any conference, convention or conclave involves several interesting facets.

There is much more to it than what the facade of the marketing messages that go out will make you think is the case.

The organizers typically serve the same dish on the same old, but cleaned yet again, plate.

Generally, the same standard phrase is used every time.

Attending this event is a great opportunity.

As if there is nothing better to do than attending that event.

Very funny.

And quite ridiculous.

The exact way in which the above is conveyed will be different though.

And that's a big relief.

You will also often hear other statements too.

• you will get a chance to showcase your work
• you will get to listen to the gurus
• you will get to learn from others
• you will enhance your professional network
• And blah, blah, blah and what not.

There are several facets that would, however, strike you bluntly and conspicuously, when you analyse the organization of the conferences, conventions or conclaves!

Here are some of the interesting facets which are admittedly quite concerning too.

Money Smells Good

The main objective of the organizers behind the event is to generate revenues. 

Whatever the subject be, cash is always king. 

That's right.

Bang on. 

Remember, organizing events is akin to doing business. 

The primary driver for organizations and bodies that organize events is to earn revenues.

It is an important part of their business model.

Even the not-for-profit organizations and bodies suffer from the same greed and are desperately interested in generating surplus funds.

The learning aspect is important but that's not the reason any event gets organized. 

The real hidden agenda is to make money.

Jury Knows Not Much

Getting jury in case the event requires that is done in an interesting manner.

Generally, those known to the members of the organizing committee are roped in.

Their appropriateness and competency are no big deal.

If they are even remotely related to the event's topic and are available, they are excellent choices.

The jury members would typically have good things to say related to their own learning and experience being a jury.

The real hidden agenda is to get the kick from seen as an expert by others irrespective of the level of expertise.

Lofty Folks Rule

The lofty folks are those key people who are generally the founder and co-founders and will be there in almost all events.

So how they can be missed out in a conference, convention or conclave?

They will have speaking slots and will talk some non-sense in the name of sharing gyan.

These self-styled gurus and loyalist-proclaimed gurus will share mundane and arcane ideas full of complete fluff and gas.

These people rule their little knitted world. 

The lofty folks talk about lofty ideas and lofty things.

The real hidden agenda is to feed their inflated egos and to feel on top of the world.

Loyal Stooges Dance

The core people in the organizing committee are long timers and loyalists of the key people who matter in the organization or body which is organizing the event. 

The core people in the affiliated bodies are "more loyal than the king" and will lie prostrate and dance as asked by the lofty folks. 

They will call the lofty folks in even those events where their presence is not really needed. 

Other than the lofty folks, the core people and some outsiders in such organisations, the overall participation in the events may be quite dismal.

The loyalists in the primary organization and affiliated bodies like chapters, etc. will be in complete awe of these self-styled and loyalist-proclaimed gurus.

The loyal stooges show that they are committed volunteers for a larger cause and next in line to join the lofty folks.

The real hidden agenda is that they want to use their visibility in external forums for getting recognised in their own organizations.

In addition, there are some of the loyal stooges who are like mercenaries.

These folks are typically trainers and consultants.

Their real hidden agenda is to showcase themselves as experts to the delegates and try to garner some more business subsequently.

Ring Master Controls Circus

The ring master is a special character who is in awe of the lofty folks.

He is the selected one, selected carefully based on his servility and loyalty to the lofty folks!

After all he gets his salary from them.

He seems to be the one who controls the circus.

He is the declared ringmaster but is the joker in the circus.

He does funny and stupid things.

He works in the background and gets many things done without much transparency.

He is also part of the loyal stooges’ group.

Any word from the lofty folks or loyal stooges is taken up by him without any communication or information.

He is driven by whimsical notions like we have the target to have one event every month.

However, he has a rudimentary approach to doing things.

While some events will be in conceptualization phase and some in execution phase he would conveniently forget (or rather lacks the competence to understand) that all this should happen as part of an overall plan.

The ring master is also the chief loyal stooge and is there to feel important and justify his existence in that organization or body.

His real hidden agenda is to serve his masters, the lofty folks, with complete loyalty and ensure continuity of his pay.

The Outsiders Observe

These people are misfits in that organization or body.

They join the organization or body based on genuine passion and love for the subject.

They participate in organizing events like conference, convention or conclave so that they can contribute in some manner.

But very quickly, they get disillusioned with the hypocrisy and hollowness of the lofty folks, the loyal stooges and the circus ring master.

The lofty folks have a hidden agenda.

The loyal stooges have a hidden agenda.

The circus ringmaster has a hidden agenda.

The jury members have a hidden agenda,

The body or organization conducting the conference, convention or conclave also a hidden agenda.

The outsider doesn't have any.

He simply watches.

And chuckles at what is going on around him.

He is amused at the circus he has become a part of.

Over time, he starts enjoying it.

Over time, he feels at ease with the lofty folks, loyal stooges and the ring master.

He gets to know soon that he is not part of organizing a small c - conference, convention or conclave.

He is a part of the big C - the Circus being run in the name of not only that conference, convention or conclave but also that body or organization itself!

And there are many more conferences, conventions or conclaves to come.

He knows circuses are meant to be observed with an amusing outlook.

And also enjoyed for its comedians and their comical acts!

The next conference, convention or conclave is not far away.

So better chuckle.

And have a great time.

The Curse of Long Service Awards in Lala Companies is but a Grim Reminder

Completing several years at a stretch while working with the same organization is generally viewed as a milestone of sorts by any employee.

Most, if not all, organizations recognize their employees for long association by giving out long service awards.

Award for completing 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years and even more are quite common and popular in the corporate world.

However, from the standpoint of career growth, whether getting long service award is really an achievement or not is a matter of debate.

If you are working in a professional company, then there are high chances that this milestone will be an achievement too.

And if you have worked with a high degree of passion and diligence, you will see some career growth.

However, if you are working in a lala company, then the story is going to be entirely different.

An employee may have stayed very long in a lala company simply because she had no other option.

In several cases, an employee in such companies will end up becoming "unemployable".

And would not be competent enough to get another job outside in another organization.

In fact, the employee might have gotten herself into a cookie jar which is about to get empty.

She may now be the proverbial rat in the rat race with additional complications:

• She has crossed the point of no return in her career and her speed is so high that aborting take-off is no longer an option available to her
• She is also fast approaching the end of the runway of her career and she is rapidly running out on the length of the runway!
• She will eventually be reaching a position where she can't get anything outside and she can't leave, and hence, she is totally stuck.

So, she will gradually accumulate years.

First, she will get 3 years’ service completion award.

Then 5 years’ service completion award.

And then 10 years’ service completion award.

And then also some more.

This will go on and on till she retires, or the company shuts down or the lala company owners shunt her out unceremoniously.

Getting long service award in a lala company is nothing less than a grim reminder.

Grim reminder about the fact that:

• Your career is stuck and there is no scope for any further real professional growth
• You will need to tolerate the lala and his stooges for several more years to come
• You are now totally unemployable and need to hold on strongly to what you are doing
• You are in a precarious situation as far as attaining financial freedom is concerned
• You are going to live for some more time at the mercy of the lala and his stooges

That way, long service awards are like a curse.

The funny thing is, you need to react to them with forced happiness.

You might get into a meeting with the top lalas and his stooges where everyone congratulates you.

You say thanks for the wishes and all.

However, you are not happy.

Not at all.

You have no choice either.

You show you are happy.

You have no choice on that either.

And even if unwillingly, you have to become a part of the drama played out in the name of longevity and loyalty.

That’s the true hallmark of a lala company.

Longevity and loyalty only matter.

Drama around longevity and loyalty matter the most.

That’s a sad thing.

But that’s what it is.

Take it or leave it.

You collect the award even as you look at it not as an award.

It is nothing short of a curse.

The curse which is but a grim reminder.

You also realize you are stuck and you not getting out or going anywhere.

You gather yourself.

And you get ready and mentally prerpared for the next one.

For the next long service award.

For a bigger curse.

And a bigger grim reminder the next time. 

Where Coterie Rules, Only Loyalty and Egos Matter, Not Competency and Merit

Many companies are infested with the coterie culture.

There is a small group of "yes sir" folks who are stooges of the top man.

They form a spider-web full of and stinking badly of secrecy, conspiracy, conceit and insecurity.

Spider-Web of Coterie Culture

These people share secretive interests and agendas, especially one that is exclusive of other people.

This set of idiotic dogs form an evil syndicate to propagate and promote one-upmanship in accordance with the directions of their master.

The master checks on the loyalty quotient by very often throwing the ball away, lifting the dirty ring finger and saying, "go, fetch". 

The stooges try like buffoons to outrun each other to get the ball back to their common master.

These selected stooges are trained to remain that way.

Some of them think they are too smart for their own boots.

But easily forget that a dog doesn't need a boot!

This inner circle of stooges carries huge egos and thinks of themselves as privileged lot.

It is quite ironical that the top man and stooges talk as if they are fair and genuine.

A little scratching of the top surface brings up the dirty insides of the inner circle.

The stooges send stupid and utterly non-sensical e-mails.

This coterie creates artificial reporting lines in the organization where only loyalty and egos matter.

Not competency and merit.

Not at all.

Nada.

They create roles and titles and designations and what not to perpetuate the system of idiocy they have put together in the circus they call company!

Professional management thrives in and creates a professional organization.

Similarly, professional organization promotes and creates a professional management.

They together create a professional culture.

But in a company infested with comical stooges, the first, unfortunate casualty is professionalism.

And out of the door goes professional culture.

What you get at the end is a Lala organization.

Irony is, this inner circle thrives by maintaining an air of exclusivity due to their closeness to the centre of power in the organization.

They, in a very sickening manner, regard themselves as elitist and defend their untenable and vulnerable position by being secretive.

They write stupid e-mails.

In such a company competency and merit means a zilch.

In such a company titles, designation and even roles means nothing.

They are simply adornments on the dirty walls of the organization.

They form a dirty circle, an evil group of people with shared agendas, interests and acquaintances.

This dirty inner circle pretends to be an exclusive group close to the centre of power in the organization, and is viewed elitist and secretive, in a completely evil sense.

These people are a part of the clique, a small close-knit group of egotists and loyalists who do not allow others to join them.

This set of people is merely a crowd linked by a common hidden evil agenda or interest.

It is more like a gang of imbeciles and evil retards who regularly associate together.

 

In reality, everyone knows they these people are like a pack of wild hyenas, who don't know how to really hunt but stay together to scavenge in a group.

They show as if they are part of the crew but are part of a tribal clan or a dirty club.

Sometimes they come across as a secret sect due to their unprofessional beliefs and actions which can be regarded as non-transparent, unfair and even dangerous.

These people are in the same camp and support the same top dog collectively.

The obnoxious cell comprising of the stooges in such companies is a small group forming a nucleus of unprofessional activity, typically a secret, subversive one.

These folks act like a caucus where they form a dirty group within an organization which meets independently in secret to discuss the trivia.

Caucus is supposed to discuss the strategy or tactics.

But the stooges are totally incompetent to discuss such things.

What they are good at, and very unfortunately, is spreading an air of exclusivity about themselves.

What they are also good at is spreading the message of their false sense of fake superiority in the organization.

And what they are also good at is creating a toxic and obnoxious environment in the circus which they proudly call as a company.

Essentially, these folks are toxic by nature.

They create a spider-web of toxicity.

And in the end, they create a toxic culture.

 

How Lala Companies Manage Things During a Crisis?

Lala companies are unique in a way that can make you sick, very sick.

During the times of a crisis, especially, their hollowness shines through clearly.

Though if one were attentive enough one can easily and clearly see their hollowness even during the normal times too.

In Lala companies., during any crisis, the hypocrisy and the hollowness are generally on a blatant display and in a much bigger way.

The effort is to stage-act the impression that the affairs are being managed in a seasoned and sensitive manner.

However, things happen in an absolute non-transparent manner.

There is a freeze on hiring but the communication around that is hazy and ambiguous.

The height of idiocy is such that hiring for open positions in a certain department are put on hold without consulting or informing the actual head of that department about the same.

Simply because, that head of department is a professional and not a part of the group of stooges in the company.

The ridiculous part is that the lala company is structured in a way that only the stooges get to know what is going on.

The stooges are insecure of their positions since they lack real competence, maturity and depth of thinking and can save themselves only by protecting their exclusive turf.

Hence true professionals in many senior positions in the company are kept in dark, and the silly stooges take decisions and run the company like a comedy show.

Things and communications are done or not done since the stooges do not know what needs to be done and what not.

For example, there is no communication related to the the yearly ritual of promotions and increments.

The fate of the yearly process related to promotions and increments is left to the imagination of the poor employees.

The employees are let to figure out and speculate on not only the above but many other things too.

After all, the employees have no where to go during the times of such a crisis.

So why bother?

In professional companies, on the other hand, there is a crystal clear and transparent communication on such matters and on related matters like job cuts, pay cuts, hike freeze or deferral, furloughs (mandatory leave without pay), etc.

The HR head in a Lala company is a pet dog of the top people and wags her tail when told to and as told to.

The key strategic  competency of the HR person at the helm is his ability to serve as a henchman.

This man is an anti-thesis of professionalism and strategic thinking.

He is an expert manipulator and extremely versed with the principles of hollowness and hypocrisy.

The top man and his stooges act as if they are the most brilliant managers the corporate world has ever seen.

They send out self-congratulatory messages mentioning their genius in anticipating the crisis and managing it better than the entire world!

They write condescending e-mails saying they did a great job.

They write silly e-mails highlighting simple tasks as significant accomplishments.

The mails written to all employees seem to excessively focus on enhancing personal connect and employee safety whereas another set of emails within a select group in the Lala company focus only on productivity of delivery and operations.

Why such a disconnect?

Looks like a general employee is assumed to be dumb whereas every employee these days has enough information at his disposal to see the chalk from the cheese.

Again duplicity and non-transparency are the key tools used to manage the affairs.

In professional companies, on the other hand, the e-mails written to all employees do focus on business continuity as much as they focus on personal connect and employee safety.

Professional companies treat their employee as equal partners in managing the crisis and hence assume that every employee knows business continuity is as important as employee safety if not more.

The Lala companies carry a condescending and patriarchal view that the top man and the stooges are the ones who are obliging others by taking care of them.

They fail to understand that this thought process reeks of hypocrisy and immaturity and professional companies treat their employees with maturity as equal partners in crisis management.

Alas, the Lala companies will never change.

The whole idea of creating an organization structure where loyalty and being a stooge is regarded as a core competency will never allow a Lala company to truly transform itself.

Once a Lala company and forever a Lala company.

One can only hope and pray that the Lala companies survive all and every crisis for a very simple reason.

The flaws and follies of the top man and his stooges should not impact the others.

The top dog and his pets can go to hell.

And they, in fact, deserve to go that way.

However, the employees in such companies deserve dignity and continuity of income.

They should not suffer.

The Manipulative Management

Another day.

Another e-mail.

Another nincompoop.

The same kind of crap and junk though.

Some companies believe in manipulation as the primary and the only tool of management.

They fail to realize that their manipulation is a direct and big give away though they would pretend it to be otherwise and think of their "cheap manipulation tactics" as a strategic act.

Act it is, but a completely silly one, and not strategic at all.

Other than these nincompoops who can see clearly but are in a denial mode, all others can see across and through their manipulation, just like one can clearly see across and through a piece of glass.

In the times of crisis and unprecedented situations, the real face of the leadership vacuum rears its ugly but true head.

You get to see who is in the coterie and who is not.

In the name of top management, many nonsensical things are taken up and taken ahead.

The nincompoops send mails one by one.

There is zero transparency and no prior information that is shared with anyone else outside the coterie before the chosen nincompoop sends the email.

The coterie is a like a secretive club of the insiders who all think highly of themselves though they are as lowly as anyone can ever be.

The crisis is used to make the nincompoops show their worth and importance.

It unfortunately ends up showing the other and opposite picture.

The flaws in the reporting structure also come out very clearly.

The communications provide detail of how great each of the nincompoop is.

And not only that but also how competent, efficient and energetic each one of them is.

It looks like, they are the ones who make not only the company but the entire country run.

The messaging is not only totally crass and silly but it smells badly of the high command structure which is firmly in place where the circus ringmaster is in full control of the clowns.

There is a dangerous pattern to all of it.

No is one is actually looking for the unwanted messages but they are sent nevertheless.

In such a company, the top man is the nincompoop number 1.

There are some more nincompoops who are actually like dogs wagging their wicked tails very swiftly in front of the nincompoop number 1.

Some times, some one else outside of the old boys club can be asked to do some silly stuff including writing a e-mail to promote the agenda of the top man.

The forced nincompoop has no choice to be a nincompoop.

Since no one questions the nincompoop number 1.

The permanent nincompoops are there because of only one thing - blind loyalty to the nincompoop number 1.

So if you are told be a temporary nincompoop you will have to do the same silly stuff that you would otherwise detest.

Be careful about that.

Keep an eye on what can happen.

The chance to be a forced nincompoop is very much there.

Be ready to get a taste of manipulative management.

And best of luck so that you get some positive motivation to survive the nonsensical things.

Stay alert.

Stay prepared.

And stay afloat.

The PQRSTUV of Bad Management

Bad management has a name.

Let us call it as PQRSTUV.

P stands for someone who would just piss you off and someone who is a silent conspirator with a deeply flawed Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde character.

Q stands for something about the company which would constantly quiz you.

R stands for someone who is sick and slimy and is, at the core, really a piece of stinking shit.

S stands for something about the company which would constantly shudder you.

T stands for someone who is stupid and silly like an ass and is a dog-like slave to his wily masters.

U stands for something about the company which would constantly upset you.

V stands for someone conceited and full of false pride and the wrong impression about being great when one is not even good.

The PQRSTUV of bad management is a sad reality in the small-sized, coterie-driven, lala-type companies.

These companies are managed by an old boys club and the PQRSTUV is really about those in the old boys club and about their attitudes and actions.

When you work in such a sick company some thoughts will quite often cross your mind.

How with presence of the PQRSTUV of bad management this company is still there?

How with such people at the helm this company is still around?

Perhaps, the eight wonder of the world.

Or rather the first wonder of the corporate world! 

Another Year, Another Sequence of Annual Events and Some More Precious Time Wasted

Another year has gone by.

And yet another, but same, sequence of rituals of annual company meet, annual company party, annual company off-site, annual awards, etc. just got over.

It is hard to say what was actually gained at the end of it.

One thing is clear though - some more precious time got wasted.

It is the same bloody shit that has been going on, year after year.

The same exact drama unfolded, once again, in exactly the same bloody sequence.

The clowns again led the show.

And blabbered about their greatness and the greatness of their creation in a drunken stupor.

The stooges meekly went behind the chief clowns in the same, stupid condescending manner.

More standardized list of awards were handed out again - best team, best individual contributor, best manager, best this, best that and what not.

The awards were handed over like lollipops given by the masters to the servants.

There were lot of claps.

There was lot of food.

And yes, there were drinks too sponsored by the owner-masters for all the employee-slaves.

The old boys club continued to display the same sense of sick camaraderie.

Those who were not a part of the inner circle were made to feel unwanted one more time.

The objectives, strategies and plans for the next year were drawn up in as mechanical a way as can be possible without much thoughtful consideration to the business needs of the hour.

The next year has now started.

More of the same things have started to happen one more time.

And very soon there will be another year, another sequence of annual events and some more precious time wasted.

And then the year after that.

This will go on and on and on.

Though change is the only constant, the more one changes the more one remains the same.

And that is true for most of the organizations.

Then there is this big question also.

If not this, then what?

Company Managed Oops... Mismanaged By A Pack of Jokers

You would generally find a pack of Jokers in the game of cards.

Sometimes, however, in many organizations you would find that the so called "top management" is nothing but a pack of Jokers.

They act and speak in childish ways.

There are six of them.

Out of the the six, two are the first among equals.

They are the Main Jokers.

They like to be addressed as "boss" or "sir" and bloat like a balloon in false pride when addressed so.

The funny part is they ask so very funnily how come the company has this culture of using the terms "boss" and "sir".

The two Main Jokers maintain their control and micro-management over the affairs of the company.

One Main Joker is deputed locally while the other Main Joker maintains a close vigil from faraway in a different continent altogether.

The Local Main Joker manages the Mini Jokers whereas the Remote Main Joker watches the circus from a distance but sweeps in when asked by the Local Main Joker.

They are like two body and one act as far as lack of ethics is concerned.

The other four are the Mini Jokers who are there only due to their loyalty to the Main Jokers.

These Mini Jokers are given the command of different departments with no consideration for the fact that they lack the necessary competency.

The Mini Joker handling money and facilities for the company thinks of himself as superior to the other three Mini Jokers.

This man knows nothing about facilities but is a trusted man of the Main Jokers and hence does things he should not have been doing in the first place.

The man under this particular Mini Joker is another kind of Joker who is a class apart in the sense that he is very shrewd, extremely rigid and a highly arrogant person.

This Mini Joker does not come to the management review meetings and no one dares to ask him.

The Main Jokers are also scared of him as he knows all their dirty secrets and unethical acts.

Also, this Mini Joker has direct linkage to the fathers of the Main Jokers.

Yes, there are Supreme Jokers also in such companies.

You rarely see and hear from the Supreme Jokers.

They are the ones who are the Masters.

And operate the Main Jokers like puppets.

The second Mini Joker handles the people affairs.

This man is a complete stooge and a domain expert in how to wag the tail like a dog when needed as also when asked to.

He is an expert in getting hare-brained ideas not only in his area but also everywhere else where he has the least knowledge.

This Mini Joker is like the Pied Piper who leads the Main Jokers and also the Supreme Jokers down the garden path of comical company policies.

The company culture in such a pusillanimous and conceited set-up is based on loyalty and longevity and deliberate creation of artificial reporting lines.

However, this Mini Joker is totally incapable of identifying and addressing the core issues and creates a lot of hullabaloo around stuff or things that are totally superficial.

Then you have another Mini Joker who handles the information systems.

And by the way the Local Main Joker lets this Mini Joker do top-guidance on processes also, whatever nonsense that may actually mean.

The Local Main Joker is comfortable with people who when woken up in the night would say "yes sir" or "okay boss" as the first thing.

This Mini Joker snugly fits the bill on the above criteria.

And then last but not the least you have the Mini Joker who handles delivery operations.

He is a silent assassin.

He speaks in a manner that sounds to be highly professional but scratch the surface and you see only dirt underneath:

• He is not able to take decisions
• He is not capable of understanding core issue at work when something comes up
• He keeps silent when he needs to act
• He doesn't do the communications he is supposed to be doing and the Local Main Joker does that for some funny reason
• He acts as if he is superior to those heads of departments who are the real functional heads but for some silly  reason not part of inter-department meetings
• He doesn't take ownership of things he should be doing
• He has a coterie of pet stooges and he believe and trusts them completely

In such companies the Main Jokers and the Mini Jokers do many funny things such as:

• The Local Main Joker does inter-department meetings with only the Mini Jokers and without involving the heads of departments who are the actual heads handling that departmental affairs.
• The Local Main Joker brings up an issue with a Mini Joker in anther meeting but it is hard to understand that when they have agreed upon something in an earlier so called inter-department meeting what is the point to bring it up again.
• The Local Main Joker is highly unprofessional and likes the Mini Jokers who have been specially hand-picked and then trained to utter like  caged parrot just two things - "yes sir" and "okay boss".
• The Remote Main Joker is a man who likes to have complete control over things to the  extent that he even wants to decide where the comma needs to be in a sentence.

A company managed or rather mismanaged by a pack of Jokers.is a strange and suffocating place to work.

Do you know you are not in such a company?

In case you are, you are simply unfortunate and got to stay alert.

And should move out fast!

Artificial Reporting Structure and Organizational Effectiveness

Right reporting structure is the sine-quo-non for organizational effectiveness.

And if that is not there in an organization it can severely impact the future existence of the organization.

Many organizations have instituted a reporting structure that can be called as "artificial reporting structure".

What is the meaning of artificial reporting structure?

As the word artificial suggests, something artificial is a thing that is created in an unnatural manner.

What is the problem if something is artificial?

There are, in fact, several problems such as:

• Something artificial will generally have serious inner contradictions.
• Something artificial is not sustainable in the long run.
• Something artificial lacks the elegance and pragmatism of the real thing.

An artificial reporting structure can manifest itself in following ways:

• Some of the people are in roles for which they have no competency other than loyalty and length of service.
• Some of the people have titles such as XYZ champion, ABC evangelist, etc. which are more like a garnish element in the organization chart.
• Some of the people occupy non-functional roles which have been created to satisfy their ego though they have reached a career plateau with no scope for any further growth, either lateral or vertical.
• Some of the people who are the actual functional heads have some other title while on the other hand those whose title shows they are the functional heads are merely figure-heads with no real value-addition.

The reporting structure in an organization needs to be right and appropriate so that it is functionally effective.

And that is a must so that it can eventually result in organizational effectiveness.

How to Know for Sure the Company You Work at is a Highly Unprofessional Lala Company?

It is Friday evening.

You are at work in what you think is the last meeting of the day.

All of a sudden someone walks inside your room with a sick swag.

This person is carrying a foul-smelling smugness, conceit and stupidity on her face.

You are told someone has said something needs to be done on Monday.

You are not given a choice.

You are not given a chance.

For you this is supposed to be just FYI - for your information.

At that time many of the words and phrases depicted in the picture below run across your mind.

So what is the key takeaway for you?

Just one - you are not at all important.

You do not matter.

The person who walked inside your room matters.

Also those two who told him what needs to be done also matter.

Others folks are inconsequential.

You are the other folks.

You get a sick feeling in your stomach.

This is not the first time you have experienced this kind of non-sense.

You get up.

You say "yes".

You know you can't say "no".

And you also very well know saying "no" is meaningless.

The person and those two who told this person are all one and the same.

They are idiots and asses likewise in cahoots with each other.

The two gentlemen who pretend to be professional and polished are just the opposite.

They are highly unprofessional and dirty at the core.

At that point you sort of give up.

You know you are in a strange situation.

As you pack your bag and walk down to the car parking area a funny thought crosses your mind.

What kind of a company are you in?

And as you drive out of the office building you suddenly get the picture clear in your mind!

What the hell.

You knew all the way, since the day one, what kind of a company you were in.

Highly unprofessional.

Totally lala company.

There is no way you could have ever missed that.

The signs of trouble in the fake paradise, your company is, were always there for you to see.

The henchman of the two idiots is not an employee but a servant.

This person does all their dirty work.

There is no distinction between professional and private matters.

Everything is fair in a lala company.

There are no rules in the real sense.

The biggest lala of them all expects loyalty, blind loyalty.

You feel relaxed immediately.

You know what all you have been through all this while.

And you also know what is the real truth behind the false facade.

Accept it.

You are in a highly unprofessional lala company.

That's it.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

And what happened this time will happen again.

And again.

And yet again.

A Promotion Should Be A Promotion But Sometimes It Is Not

A promotion is a feel-good factor if nothing more or nothing else.

Sometimes, however, a promotion is only a feel-good factor.

In that case a promotion is not a promotion, in a true sense.

A promotion should be a promotion but may not be in certain cases.

So when is a promotion not a promotion?

First and foremost, what is a promotion?

A promotion is an event whereby someone is moved up to a higher level in rank or in position.

And there's a big catch here.

The higher level rank or position is assumed to have the following:

• Higher authority and power in matters of importance
• Higher level of responsibilities and accountability for the desired outcome
• Larger span of control and oversight

In many cases, however, the higher level or position would not translate into the above three and even if it does, it would not be effectively the case in reality.

A promotion in such cases yields into a higher position for the concerned individual but nothing really changes on the ground.

In the above case a promotion is not a promotion.

So there are situations when a promotion which should be a promotion is actually not.

The Funny Act of Salary Increments

Some organizations operate like a play unfolding on the stage where different acts get enacted, one scene after another.

The funniest act in the play is the one that concerns salary increments.

In some organizations, especially the small-sized ones, the salary increment process runs in parallel to and often in complete oblivion to the performance management process.

In such regressive organizations increments have to do more, and at times, only with loyalty to the top pig and number of years with the company.

Performance and contribution not only take a backseat in these organizations but many a times are actually thrown off the car itself!

The junior pigs discuss among themselves as to how the bounties of business would be distributed and shared.

The junior pig looking after human resources in the most inhumane manner is the cunningest and wickedest of them all.

He is a master manipulator who puts up the facade of fairness and transparency.

He is highly protective of his turf and guards it like a bloody dog.

He looks a like a straight-forward and nice guy but is a complete crook at the heart.

His process of determining base increment is fraught with mysteries and complete lack of transparency.

In the name of progressive approach he puts in a performance and compensation system that is opaque at the best and scandalous at the worst.

Increments are given on a basis that has no rhyme or reason.

The other junior pigs saunter in and our of his room.

Why saunter?

Its a family owned, regressive enterprise after all and everything is fixed.

The delivery junior pig doesn't say anything on any issue pertaining to the human resources junior pig.

After they are in the same party.

When the lights turn off, they are one and the same.

Both are stooges of the top pig.

In such organizations, certain junior pigs are asked to oversee areas they know nothing of and about.

The junior pigs are trusted pigs of the top pig.

The whole problem is with the top pig.

He has put in place a sick culture where loyalty rules.

And where pigs not only survive but thrive.

Pigs are abominable.

Junior pigs makes things worse.

If you are surrounded by junior pigs then you are in for interesting times.

You can never tell, but maybe you have a junior pig next door.

 A junior pig will always be that - a junior pig!

You got to be careful if you need to handle any.

Two Milli Minnows, Two Micro Minnows, Four Nano Minnows and the Pico Minnow

The micro minnows are the real manipulators in the system.

Both, the one who is the local man and the other man who is remotely located.

The remotely located micro minnow is another character.

More on that some other day.

You see the local micro minnow talking in the corridor very often with the four nano minnows.

The micro and the nano minnows talk in loud whispers, making non-intelligible sounds but statements that are simply stupid.

They are a small, secret group of unprofessional folks.

They are the ones who are responsible for the unprofessional set-up.

And not only that they are unethical too.

This kind of shit happens only in a small company.

A small company that thinks it is too big for its own small boots.

The micro minnow is particular about people attending events where those personally known to him would be attending.

Company's business affairs can go to hell.

Any why not?

Such a company is not a business enterprise but a family affair.

The spouse of the micro minnow is there in training paid for by the company.

The nano minnows are like dogs who wag their tails and slurp their tongue when they see the micro minnow.

Micro or nano, a minnow is a minnow.

Any time.

There are more minnows.

There is a pico minnow too.

This guy is a complete joker and a jest.

He is expert is licking the boots of the micro minnows and also the masters of the micro minnow, the milli minnows.

The pico minnow does all the personal work of the micro minnows and milli minnows.

At times of the nano minnows too.

But he can refuse to obey nano minnows.

This funny man does everything except the work done by a toilet hand  jet spray faucet.

He would usually and generally discuss silly and stupid stuff only with the micro minnow.

Then there are the milli minnows.

They are the ones having a good time.

They use the company as personal asset.

The pico minnow is their servant.

Why A Poor Perfomer Has No Choice But To Become A Complainer?

A poor performer is a an immaculate work retard.

A poor performer is also an incorrigible work shirker.

A poor performer is expert at providing lame excuses like the following when confronted about his performance:

• I did not get the training
• I was not clear I had to do that job
• The meeting should not have been organized
• I could not do a good job because someone senior was at fault
• Basically, it is not my fault, not at all

His cab comes in late, every single day, late at least by half an hour to an hour.

After he settles down in the office and if he has no meeting, he saunters his way to the cafeteria.

And not only does he kill his own time he also kills the time of others in the team by getting them to accompany him.

Such people have a bad effect on others.

They are like the bad apple in the basket.

He spends an hour there at the cafeteria.

By this time it is already 10:30am to 11am.

He then checks his e-mails, replies to couple of them.

He also does some work stuff here and there.

He may also attend couple of meetings.

At times when he is in a meeting, his mind is already away at the cafeteria thinking of the tea-break his other team members are having.

The moment he is out of the meeting, he is there at the cafeteria.

And just like that the clock strikes 12:30pm.

He is now ready for lunch time.

He grabs things at the cafeteria, and merrily eats his lunch.

He is then away to the terrace or the road outside in the complex of the office building for a walk.

He along with his lunch buddies from the team that includes some more work shirkers like him spend good amount of time relaxing at the terrace garden.

Not only that, he may be a regular at the morning yoga sessions or the evening exercise sessions.

And for almost two hours this work shirker is at work but away from work.

The clock moves on.

It is now 2:30pm.

The work shirker is back at his desk.

He checks his e-mails.

He also sends couple of e-mails.

He may have some meetings also to attend.

It is now 4pm.

He again saunters to the cafeteria.

And with him the entire team goes to have another round of tea.

This goes till very close to 5pm.

And then the work shirker with others hurriedly come back to their seats.

Some of them have to necessarily leave at 5pm.

They stay far away.

Some of them do not stay far away but don't work even during the work hours so why would they work after that?

And by just coming they are doing an obligation on the company.

Who said they need to work.

They are coming, isn't that itself a bid enough deal.

He doesn't take any late evening or night calls.

Now it almost 5pm.

And he is happy to pack his bag, slings across his shoulders and walks away out of the office.

He had another action-packed day at the office.

Actions that involved long tea-breaks, an even longer lunch break, lots of chit-chat and most of it just silly chat.

On work front, he had a very productive day.

From 9am to 5pm he worked a lot.

How many hours?

A full 3 hours!

And that's fantastic.

What he did in the 3 hours also may not be at all useful.

Such people really have zero productivity.

They also are like bad apples.

And if such work shirkers are those who have the highest experience in the team they get exposed.

Their real face comes out in the open,

And then they start running here and there.

They are left with no choice but to become a complainer.

And if the person they discuss this about is another such work shirker, one with a polished way of talking then you had it.

Such complainers and those they complain to do all kind of non-sense in the name of company culture.

Some companies have no good or bad culture. they simply have no culture.

Companies that breed complainers due to performance cannot have any culture.

Such complainers need to be dealt with sternly.

One has to be cautious and careful though.

The work shirker may be the ring leader but will gets others like him to join the bandwagon to make the whole thing messy.

One must never forgive such complainers and never forget to take them to task when the right opportunity comes.

Waiting for the right opportunity to strike back is the best way to handle such a situation.

Wait on.

Hang along.

Right time is on the way.

Wait for it.

The Meeting of the Musketeers and their Master

There was this meeting today.

The meeting where the musketeers met their master.

The musketeers came like monkeys looking for crumbs to be thrown at them by their master.

This was supposed to be the management meeting.

Musketeers seldom make management though.

The musketeers owe their wretched existence to their loyalty to the master.

The musketeers know the above very well.

However, they mask their lack of professionalism and ethics.

They met secretively with other musketeers and the master in the meeting that happened today.

This meeting happens time and again.

Only the musketeers get invited to this meeting.

Other relevant and competent folks are strictly not invited.

This meeting is out of bound for those with professionalism and ethics.

The musketeers meet and what they do is any one's guess.

They do nothing.

They need to sing paeans to the master.

They have no choice.

They are spineless creatures who are living at the mercy of their master.

The master is a specimen of his own.

He is an expert at faking genuine leadership.

He is an expert in hypocrisy.

But then what else can you expect?

The simple fact that he has a gang of funny musketeers around him clearly shows what kind of a person the master is.

The meeting that happened today will happen again.

And again.

And again.

Nothing concrete and meaningful has come out till date.

And nothing concrete and meaningful will come out ever.

When the Top Brass is a Bunch of Nincompoops on Retirement Holiday

In many organizations those at the top are there due to their loyalty to each other. They are like a pack of wolves who hunt together.

If these people are nincompoops on retirement holiday then you have had it. Those working in such companies are sitting in an aircraft heading for crash.

The company may survive for many many years but will not grow at a reasonable pace. Growth requires the top brass to be competent and have the right kind of zeal.

Those on retirement holiday can't be expected to possess the right kind of attitude and aptitude. The reason has everything to do with how they came in.

They came in due to their loyalty to "the powers that be". Loyalty was the only thing that mattered. Such loyalists have no thinking ability and brain of their own.

If the top dog says sit, the puppies will sit. If the top dog says stand up, the puppies will do likewise. Puppies are not supposed to show their spine.

And if the puppies don't show their spine, very soon their spines become dysfunctional. Puppies call the top dog as sir. You would often hear them say, "we have to do this as sir has said it".

Such a company is a strange place where professionalism and ethics are conveniently put on the backseat. These are good words to say and hear, but mean nothing beyond that.

Some of those who are close to the top management carry a stupid swagger. They act as if they are the superior beings in the organization. Such irritating folks make childish statements in meetings thinking that they come across as smart chaps but scratch the surface and you see a clown.

The clownish character is there only to entertain his master, the top dog. The top dog also feels good when he is made to feel important.

In such companies, the organization structure itself will be totally flawed. Promotions mean nothing in such companies. The reporting structure is ludicrous and makes no logical sense.

The whole idea behind the organizational set-up in such companies is to protect the coterie culture and not let the coterie face tough questions.

There are strange roles in such companies. These roles are artificially propped up with full connivance of the top brass to protect the loyalists.

There will be many loyalists for whom artificial roles will be created to keep them there. Value addition from such people is neither expected nor desired.

Nincompoops bring tragedy to the place where they work. So such companies provide the ideal playground for tragedies to happen.

Such organizations slowly turn into a retirement home with the nincompoops enjoying every bit of their time during their extended retirement holiday.

The situation gradually reaches a point where it becomes beyond salvage.  Those working in such companies need to get prepared to meet the dooms day, sooner than latter.

The best option for the smart folks who believe in professionalism and ethics is to move on. And move on at the earliest with great haste. Otherwise they should be ready for disaster.

When Those At The Top Are Nonsensical And Unethical Too

In some organizations the folks at the top are not only nonsensical but unethical also.

They don’t want their work to be scrutinized by anyone.

In case you pose a logical and sensible question to them which has clear and direct business impact, but is uncomfortable for them and challenges their position, they will duck it in a manner which is utterly ridiculous.

In the name of “is it good for business” they don’t mind crossing the line of ethics, not once but as many times as required.

Ethics in such organizations is a direct factor of convenience.

As long as it suits their agenda (which might have many dirty secrets behind it) and doesn’t cause them personal discomfort and doesn’t make their position untenable they are all fine.

And if not, they will find silly reasons to justify their decisions and actions.

When challenged instead of discussing directly with you in a transparent manner they will have someone from their team come and meet you.

The message you get is “stay clear, better know who the top boss is and also that you are basically nothing”.

The pesky, boorish team member who comes to meet you walks in like a joker, sits next to you in an annoying manner while displaying fake friendliness.

He is the top man’s henchman, he is there on a contract-to-kill assignment. He is there to pass on the message from the god… oops… dog…. oops… top!

So silly!

So humiliating!

However, you need to carry on.

And you must carry on.

Pests and vultures will always be there in any organization.

And more so when those at the top are nonsensical and unethical too, you shouldn’t expect anything else!

If you do, then you are a fool or fooling yourself.

Don’t fool yourself.

Stop being a fool.